Match Report

Match Report| Stoke City 1-2 Everton

Another week, another away day. Still can’t believe we all still bother going but yeno, here we are, another sold out allocation to watch a team who hasn’t won away since December. The short trip to the city where brother and sister take their 7 fingered son to the match, yep it was Stoke away and low and behold it was absolutely freezing there, just like the previous 2 times I’ve been. One change for the injured Sigurdsson and that was the welcome return of Idrissa Gueye, other than that, it was probably the best team we had.

We started the game brightly in all fairness, didn’t give Inbred FC a sniff and had decent spells of possession. Rooney whipped in a wicked free kick on 7 minutes and it fell for Davies, free header, goal, surely. Or not, cos Davies made an absolute mess of his header and it flew over the bar. Another chance away from home goes begging.

Chances were quite rare for both sides in the first half as thick flakes of snow fell from a dreary Staffordshire sky, completely summing up Stoke as a place, but the tackles were flying in; namely Wayne Rooney who was skidding round the pitch like a 12 year old lad round the hall of the school disco. Charlie Adam took the tackling a bit too far as he clattered into Rooney’s ankle and was shown a red card, dirty horrible Kopite twat. If we didn’t win from this position then there really is something wrong with our away form. We were all over them now, understandably so, but were unable to find a way through their shit defence for the remainder of the first half.

We started the second half similar to how we finished the first, dominant in possession but still found it hard to break down the Stoke backline. Rooney had a free kick easily saved by Butland and Calvert-Lewin was clean through but his first touch was shite and Keane unleashed a rare effort on goal but it was parried away for a corner.

The following corner was cleared but we came back and Bolasie swung in a delightful cross, Tosun’s header was saved, Calvert-Lewin’s follow up was somehow blocked on the line but then our beautiful flat headed Turk absolutely twatted the life out of the ball and it nestled in the far corner, right in front of us lot and sent us into raptures. 3 in 3 for the lad who can’t adapt to the cold weather but scores when there’s snow lying on the pitch. Fuck off Allardyce.

We were happy to slow the game down and keep possession and supposedly see the game out but we’re Everton and we never do things the easy way. Fantastically named Eric Maxim Choupo-Moting was bought on, as was Saido Berahino who hasn’t scored in the league for over 2 years. Some going that.

And what do you know, 5 minutes after the fella who’s name I can’t be arsed typing again comes on, he’s just prodded home a Joe Allen free kick, it’s 1-1 and there’s not long left AND the lad who scored had to come off cos he pulled his groin. His only touch was a goal. Let me reiterate, we’re Everton, we don’t do things the easy way.

84 minutes and Tosun is standing in front of the away end pumping his fist cos he’s just bagged himself another goal. A lovely cross from Walcott and the Turkish international dived low ahead of Shawcross and powered a header past Butland. Boss. We’re not messing this up now are we, surely.

Full time, 2-1, 3 points, away win, safety, 40 points, fuck The Count of Monte Bisto (shout of the season that by the way) off asap and get planning for next season with a proper football mananger.

Der der der der derrrr, der der der der derrrr, der der der der derrrrr CENK TOSUN (darts music)

Up the Turkish Toffees.


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